KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

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KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Hilo Takenaka » Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:54 am

Hello! A friend of mine and I are creating a comic together. Although it’s in its earliest stages, I wanna share my chapters I’m writing for it. Feel free to give your opinions on characters, story, etc.

CHAPTER 1
This story is not about a normal boy. Normal boys wake up, possibly have a shower, spray their body with “masculine” deodorant, get dressed, eat breakfast and then get into the car to go to school.
Brian Carvosso, or as the vast majority of his classmates tease him by, “Brine Car-Losso”, starts his day differently. He wakes at 5:30 AM before going for a quick swim at the beach. This is his “shower.” Brian would then get dressed into the cleanest clothes he would have and then have half a grapefruit for breakfast before walking 12 km to his school.

He’s certainly a character, that Brian. 50% of the time he’s being tortured by students and the other 50% he spends by himself. He isn’t shy, per se, but he’s quite... inhuman. Brian doesn’t feel emotions like you or I, bar a few. For example, he feels a romantic attraction to the Gambian girl that’s in his class, Ndey, as well as a sense of comradery with that “exchange student” Myat (although that might be due to the fact that he doesn’t speak a word of English.) The only other feeling that Brian truly experiences, is bloodlust.

Constant bullying and oppression has transformed and perverted Brian’s mind into something twisted. Sinister? No, for he still has moral judgement. He just can’t stop thinking about taking his anger out on someone. But he knows he must keep it in so he doesn’t get into trouble. It drives him mad. Every single day is a new session of torture for our protagonist, and today was no different.

Brian walked into school just like any other day, and kids would make fun of his clothing and hair just like any other day. He COULD tell them that his parents can’t afford hot water so his hair is permanently in stiff waves due to sweat and sea water. Or that his family can only visit the laundromat once a fortnight. But Brian has transcended beyond the plane of “giving a shit” in such a way that he just shrugs and walks away. As he gets to his locker, he’d be stopped by some asshole.
“Hey Brine!”
“What is it, Buck McCuck?”
“What did you just say!?”
“Nothin. Come here to boast about how many women you get?”
“Not today. Today I wanna bash into the fact that you have no chance of beating me in a fight.”
“Oh. That’s a shame. Your wooing skills have been passed down from your parents. Especially your mother.”
Then boom. A raging fist hit Brian straight in the jaw. Two other students gathered around the now-grounded 9th grader. Whilst “kicking the enemy when they’re down” is normally frowned upon, if the enemy is Brine Car-Losso then it’s something to cheer about.
“Go get ‘em, Burke! Make him pay!!”
“That’s the spirit! Bleed more, you wretch.”
“You are an useless, pathetic loser, Brine. I hope you spend your life in a cardboard box.”
“Nobody loves you.”
“Nobody loves you.”
“Nobody loves you.”
“Nobo-“
“....”
The cruel barrage stopped.
Brian opened his eyes and looked up at where his tormentors once stood. The surprising thing was that... well... none of them were standing. In their place was a senior boy that wore a light green and black, plaid shirt underneath a black puffer jacket. His pants, moccasins, cap and now-bloodied fingerless gloves were all a sandy beige colour, and a chain wrapped around his checkered belt. Breathing heavily, the boy fixed the parting of his hair under his cap and held his hand out to Brian. “You alright?” He asked the boy before helping him up. Brian was speechless, so he nodded. He had many questions to ask, but only one escaped his lips. “Who the fuck are you?”
“Haymish Muir, but you can call me ‘The Man Who Will Change Your Life.’”
“Yeah... no.”
“Ok fair enough. Just Haymish, then.”
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Hilo Takenaka » Thu Mar 22, 2018 11:35 am

Not soon after, Haymish and Brian were called to the office to meet the principal. After the one prior got fired due to alleged trafficking of some description, they were given Mr Olliver Althause.
“Now listen here you young man,” he addressed Haymish, “you did the right thing of helping a man when he was down. Just ensure that next time you aren’t so aggressive, or there’s gonna be consequences. As for you, Brian, please refrain on the insults. They caused Burke’s rage. although I have heard he had been bullying you in the past. Therefore you two will go free. As for trio of troublemakers... their physical injuries prove to be punishing enough.”
Brian walked out with the principal’s odd lax mood floating in his mind. As he and Haymish sat down together for lunch, the two began talking about what the hell just happened back there.

“Essentially; our principal is my grandfather. His family ran a PI Agency that has spanned generations upon generations known as Althause Altruists.” Haymish explained whilst taking a bite out of a block of potted meat.
“Weren’t they vigilantes?” Brian replied, taking a bite of his sandwich, a tad disgusted at his colleague’s food choice.
“They were both. Essentially the entire idea is that we’ve discovered that there’s been a massive wave of crimes that have occurred in this city. Everything you can think of that’s inhumane has already happened twice this week. We need people to help prevent it. People like you, Brian.”
Spitting portion of his sandwich after hearing Haymish’s request, Brian took a while to calm down and it certainly didn’t help that everyone joined in (albeit laughing AT Brian instead.)
“What about it? I only have personal vendettas against my fellow classmates. I want my life to be lived to the fullest. So sorry, but I have to refuse.”
“Actually...” Haymish pulled out a small list of mugshot photos. Most of them he recognised. Most of them were absolute scumbags, whilst one or two of them Brian considered to be “Bad Mood Brutes”
“This is my kill-list?”
“No. Not kill-list. Rather a... hurt-them-badly list.”
“So many people... so much potential... I take my statement back. You have a deal.”
As Brian reached out to shake Haymish’s hand, he was stopped by a very familiar figure.
“Oh hey, Myat! This here is Haymish Muir. He’s our new friend.”
Haymish waved because he wanted to introduce himself. Myat waved because he had no clue what was going on, but knew it was the right thing to do. Myat then spent a few minutes looking at the list of names on the sheet and crossed out one. Next to it, he drew a big plus sign.
“Wait.. that guy went missing a while back. Are you saying he’s in hospital?”
Myat then drew a picture of a pistol and then pointed to himself.
“Did he... shoot that guy?” Haymish asked Brian. The latter responded with a shrug and welcomed Myat onto their team.
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Shinigami » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:21 pm

An interesting story. It has potential, though it seems to rely quite a bit on suspension of disbelief. >.>
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Hilo Takenaka » Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:53 pm

Shinigami wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:21 pm
An interesting story. It has potential, though it seems to rely quite a bit on suspension of disbelief. >.>
I can see what you mean. I guess as I write more and more, it will get more investive due to the introduction of more moral concepts, character relationships, etc.
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Shinigami » Thu Mar 22, 2018 11:52 pm

Either way, nice work. Keep at it! ^_^
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Hilo Takenaka » Fri Mar 23, 2018 12:23 pm

If it’s one thing about any school, it’s that a good education system must have a good sports team to keep the jocks interested in their education. Fearnsy Heads K-12 School was no different. Out of the ~1,120 students that attend Fearnsy Heads, only 48 are drafted into the school’s Aussie Rules team. A quarter of the jocks that join the Floggers know and harass Brian to an uncomfortable level, so it’s understandable that he’d prefer watching the girls play netball.

Watching a netball game for Brian is like re-watching a recorded episode of a sitcom. “Yes, you know how it goes a hundred times by now,” Brian explained to Haymish, “but you can’t help but just study every bit of detail.” As he said this a boy walked past, called Brian a pervert, and left. Merely disgruntled at the remark, Brian turned his focus on the game at hand.
“Another successful pass. The ‘roons are gaining ground. This could be the point to tie the game. But OHHH great defense by Nbey Jatta!!! And that’s time up! The Beiges have won!” cheered the faux-commentator. As the team began packing up their gear, Brian spotted Nbey chatting with one of her friends.
“Anyway, Corrine, you did absolutely wonderful out there. Wing Attack is always a tiring position.” Nbey smiled as she complimented her friend. Corrine, in response, returned the favour.
“I should be more proud of your work as our Goal Defense.... Hang on a second. Isn’t that...”

“Umm... great job out there you two.” Brain remarked as he stood before the two girls. This was his first time talking after the game, which made him three times more nervous than he should be.
“Oh... hey Brian,” Nbey replied, confused that a BOY was talking to her. “I have heard a fair bit about you from gossip down the grapevine. Honestly... you don’t seem as bad as they say you are.”
“Except for that stench you have,” Corrine joked,”do you shower in the sea?”
“Well technically... yes.” Brian looked at the two girls in shame, hoping for a bit of backlash. Instead, the two giggled, which made Brian a little worried that they were giggling AT him.
“Oh it’s completely fine, Brian! Some of us are just unluckier than others. Anyway, I should go. See you soon!” Nbey jokingly curtsied before turning to her friends and walked away. Speechless, Brian turned to Haymish and mouthed the words: “Is this how you talk to girls?”
Haymish’s response was brief.
“Sorta. You’ll get there, champ.”
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Hilo Takenaka » Sat Mar 24, 2018 12:23 pm

As the bell rung for the end of day announcements, Brian walked home for the first time feeling truly... happy. Whilst there were a FEW rough patches in his day, the fact that he hadn’t felt this way for so long made the feeling amplified. As if his heart was injected with steroids that some of the sporting team takes. When he got home, he dropped by the tv to say “hello” to his parents. His dad was a surf instructor, but thanks to the terribly weather Fearnsy Heads was experiencing, he wouldn’t be getting too many customers any time soon. His mother was helping the neighbor fix her car, which seemed to have broken down as it was going to leave the driveway.

Then he heard someone at the door.
“Packages for Brian Carvosso.” He heard the mailman shout. Brian ran straight down the corridor, eager to see what on earth it was. The first box was moderate-sized, but short in height and “sharp contents” stickers plastered the box. The other one was more of a cube-shape and seemed to be very light. Brian went back to his room and opened them in private. “Let’s see what’s behind door number one!” He muttered to himself as he frantically opened the first box. The package contained two knives. One was incredibly long and rounded. A salmon knife, according to the note sent by Haymish (it was unsigned, but Brian knew who sent it anyway.) the other was an “offset” knife; something they use in delis to cut meat. When Brian opened up box number two, Brian saw that there was noting but a note inside. A note that read “Get ready for a world of hurt, Brian.”
Brian didn’t care. He knew he could now make whoever said that eat those words

Kym Greenspan woke up in a cold sweat. Thirsty, he went downstairs for a drink of water. Kym played ruckman for the Fearnsy Heads Floggers; a position to be proud of. Every day he wakes up to train. “Train consistently, sonny. Train like there’s no tomorrow. You wanna make mamma and papa proud? Then don’t stop training. Friends aren’t as important as the competition, Kym. We want your names in the lights so you can feel proud!! No keep going. That’s it. Faster. I said faster. Didn’t you hear mamma? I. Said. Faster.”
Then he woke up again.
What has his life become?
All he wants is friends. He doesn’t care about the competition. He tried reaching out to the jocks to see if they would let him into their group. They said that only if he harrassed Brian. Sure, the boy was weird, but he didn’t WANT to bully the kid. So Kym asked that if they’d join regardless of that. The boys said they normally would, but because Kym was different, they couldn’t allow him into the group. He asked if it was because he was an Aborigine. They said it was because he was barely important to the team.
So he sent the letter, wishing he could have taken it all back.
But he has to stick to his word. “If not, “ he told himself, “then I’ll be alone for my entire life.
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Hilo Takenaka » Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:09 pm

DAY 2
Brian walked over to school today and began to chat with Haymish. The two talked about meeting times, when they can train, how safe it was, etc.
“So every Saturday starting tomorrow?” Brian asked.
“Yup. I’ll meet you at your place. 32 Shell Close, right?”
“Mhm. So, do you like any sort of vi-“
Brian WAS about to ask him about what sort of video games Haymish liked but was cut off by the bell.
“Homegroup” they both droned in unison. Haymish waved goodbye as he walked to his campus and Brian began his trip to Homegroup.

Soon enough, recess came around. Usually Brian stood behind in Metalwork to continue whatever project he was working on, but today he sat with Myat (who turned out to speak English fairly decently, but he was too shy to talk) and they began discussing about what exactly was the deal with Althause Altruists.
“Don’t know. But my father was an army man. He showed me how to fire a gun. I only shoot arms because I don’t want to kill.” Myat told his friend. Brian nodded and replied with his perspective on the world.
“Personally I don’t care about if my targets live or die. As long as I only harm those that truly deserve to suffer, because if I don’t, then who knows how many more people they’ll hurt.”

Nbey sat at a table with two other girls. The first one was Corrine, who usually sits with her best friend Valerie. Valerie was an avid bookworm, and somewhat of a goth. She didn’t like social interaction with anyone but she enjoyed Corrine’s company, so when Corrine announced she was to start sitting with Nbey too, Valerie had no choice but to tag along. Corrine looked over at Brian and Myat, noticing that Nbey was exchanging looks with the former a fair bit.
“Do you liiike him?” she teased
“What? Oh. It’s just that I find him very interesting.” Nbey replied, blushing heavily. It was at that point in time that Valerie piped up with her own comment. “You know that he’s totally into you, Nbey. It’s quite obvious judging from his body posture and expression around you. Plus he hasn’t looked at anyone except for you.”
“You... you think he likes me?”
“Well why don’t you go find out?” Corrine smirked as she pushed Nbey towards him. Incredibly flustered, she sat down next to Brian.

“Hey...”
“Oh. Hey...”
The two sat next to eachother, not talking to eachother for some time. Looking at the jocks table, he saw the group that normally harassed him talking to Kym, who looked at Brian straight in the eyes. As recess ended, he approached the outcast and pinned him against a locker. Brian noticed that there was some form of... weakness in his push. Was he scared?
“You and me are gonna have a fight. One on one. Next week at the abandoned skate centre. Be there or you’re in a world of hurt.” Kym barked. Brian, to Kym’s surprise, smirked at this offer. “No problem,” he replied, “I’ll be there.”
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Hilo Takenaka » Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:29 pm

Below is something different. It’s a list of all the students in grade 9 at Fearnsy Heads

Class 9-A:
Arnold Lennox
Barney Hoekstra
Brendon Althause
Camilla Gibson
Charlie Wafo
Chip Cusworth
Christina Abarora
Dean Vilar
Fernando Mendoza
Francine Boone
Gunther Sterne
Imogen Ola
Jared Pointdexter
Jay Darbyshire
Jeanine Salas
Justin Pottinger
Kodee Struna
Kym Greenspan
Micah Doherty
Monica Scud
Myrtle Lutz
Pamela Ó hEachthighearna
Percy Chadwick
Samuel Ingle
Thomas Bourke
William Doherty
Zachary Brey

Class 9-B:
Adam Thrussell
Barry Nankervis
Chloe Southgate
Corey Rake
Corrine Borde
Damien Yoxall
Daniel Atwater
Declan Hinds
Dominic Stout
Edwin Blythe
Emile Tarbuck
Gengxin Zhu
Geoffrey Ragsdale
Harry Judd
Hector Pierson
Jemima Wells
Katherine Pugh
Nathan Roswarne
Nbey Jatta
Nick Suarez
Okakura Yabūchi
Samantha Trengrouse
Vanessa Tate
Vasquez Pinheiro
Vicky Pan
Walter Nowell

Class 9C:
Alex Hamm
Alphonse Van Agteren
Austin Pendergrass
Beate Egger
Brian Carvosso
Caius Di Napoli
Caspar Butel
Dmitri Xanthopolous
Dorothy Krebs
Fanny Latimer
Gordon Abascal
Gus Whitehead
Jocita Botello
Lewis Sterling
Lucy Ringwood
Max Ranta
Myat
Oscar Rossi
Rachel Spini
Ralph Weeks
Richard Cloutier
Rowan Utkin
Teniqua Ault
Thierry Ouali
Victor Busto
Yahui Qian
Yvette Pulido
Last edited by Hilo Takenaka on Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: KYD PSYCHO (Novel/script for comic) (Contains coarse language and sexual references)

Post by Shinigami » Tue Mar 27, 2018 10:36 pm

Myat doesn't have a last name?
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